CAUGHT UP

I sit here stunned
by the going ons
of the last week or so,
and I say to myself
this wasn't me
All this happened to someone else
but, it really happened to me
I thought I could tell you,
of all people, but I realize
I have seared my character
in your memory
Today changed the course of history
I am not sure if you will hate me..
or just be so mad
you won't speak to me anymore...
but, my back was against
an emotional wall...
and I don't know
if what I did was right or wrong
I listened to the message you left
but I couldn't answer you then..
because I was trying
to put out another fire,
Actually end
what never was
with the person in my tornado yesterday
No, I did not sleep with him
and it didn't prove anything
other than the fact
that I wanted to be touched,
plain and simple.
I just went thru all those walls
that held me down before
I thought about you,
what I didn't feel for him...
I thought about my life
what I always wanted from you
I thought about you... hard
telling me you love me
but, you weren't 'in love'
and to mislead me was wrong
It finally sank in
and I wanted to release all that hurt
I said if no one loves me,
why am I saving myself?
All these people in question
have made their choices
I must now make a choice--
maybe not the right one,
we will know...in time
In my angst
I wanted to know
really KNOW who I am..
was I running from love..
what was I waiting for
who did I have anything to prove anything to
Some of my questions were answered
some still up in the air
I could tell by your answers
when I told you that he still cared...
that you really love me
I only wanted honesty from you
maybe you were trying to tell me
there is someone else you want...
I don't know
All I know is
I spent so much time..
wanting you
loving you
needing you
I got caught up.
yeah, I got caught up...
How do I feel now?
Honestly...
still as empty as I did before I went there...
I couldn't go through with it
I don't even know why
I wanted someone to talk to..
but he didn't understand either
So I dealt with it alone
I didn't give him
what he had been asking me for
for all those years
I couldn't do it again..
You're shaking your head
I know it...I am, too
I don't  anticipate
you even speaking to me anymore
for some reason
when u said I helped you out
in more wayz than one...
I knew the deal then..
I messed up