The Way Love Grows........ CRC Write #64

I want you
I need you
I need you so much
No....I need you 'too much

It is so inconceivable that I need to love you
more than I need to love myself
and I want to take care of you
almost more than care for myself
but I do...

I've reached a crucial point in my life
I've withdrawn my own heart from feeling safe
or secure.

Sure.....I can walk away,
but I don't know how to absolve this pain
I did the best I could...to stay sane
but the damage...is done
and I am the only one I can blame

I wanted you too much
I know it now
Knowing....nothing is set in stone,
but I really believed we were....
Life, love, and liberty....I needed it
My hunger for you.....I fed it
I put all my trust in you...
and your sensually gasconading behaviour
that I thought you saved
just for my ears and eyes
Now, I am paying the price for my blind faith
That price has succeeded in destroying my confidence in love
I thought it was real love
But.....I now know the difference

The kind I was looking for....
it doesn't leave you standing out in the rain,
it doesn't walk the other way when the chips are plea-bargained,
it doesn't turn away when it doesn't understand
that it's tear brings out more than a simple scare
The kind of love I wanted from you
it waited for understanding.
It waited for validation....every day
because..." that's the way love grows "

I know.....silly me.
but, it's ok.
The one thing I promised God
at midnight the last day of the past year,
this time around
is that no matter who leaves my life...
I will never turn it away from Him again.

You had that one thing I desired.....
Freedom.
And you flaunted it dangerously before me
You promised it to me.
You vowed we would share it
It was through the very pain that you caused me
that I learned...
whom God set free...
is free indeed.
I was already complete,
already fully loved,
and free
I never needed you to give it to me
Subconsciously...now thinking--
" You couldn't give it to me, anyway!"

I found that out when I realized you were leaving again
and you weren't coming back

[I needed you too much]

In my pain and silence I checked myself,
repeatedly
discreetly
and completely
and found the essence of me
"I was still free"
What exists now
is a manifested liberty
that you 'couldn't possibly'
have given to me.
You thought you broke me
or demoted me
while with your lies
you affectionately stroked me
Your game successfully okie-doked me
Okay...that battle is yours
but the war....I win!

You thought I was so desperate to have love
that I would risk compounding the pessimism I already felt
with your undeniably tempting charm,
your sensual tease,
 your devious mental caresses
meant to manipulate me,
and your twisted sense of loyalty that I really despised
But guess what.....you equipped me
with the sense to know
I will survive


You know what....you just woke me.

You made me realize...finally
that what you took away is really not so unique...
or indispensable

it can easily be replaced.