DEAR LOVE...A SASSY 'LOVE LETTER' CHALLENGE

Dear Love,

My heart warns me against talking to you, because it would open up the same feelings that I have tried, unsuccessfully, to stave off for so very long. My heart has become my adversary, and yet my middle man, in the war that I have waged against you. You see, I do not deserve you. I do not trust you to do right by me. That's why we have so many problems.

Let me explain. Perfect love casts out all fear. Love forgives. Love understands. Love puts the other person's needs right up there with it's own. Love believes all things. Love is patient. Love is long suffering. Love is supposed to last forever, right? Well, you see...I didn't believe in you. I failed once again to see through my own limited vision, to how good we could have been for each other. But you came, once, twice, and for a unprecedented third time, looking for me. I ask myself every time, what do you really see in me? What is it that you see in me, knowing how imperfect I am, that you would keep on trying to change my whole outlook on life. You know I'm not going to do right. You know once I let you in, I'm going to expect you to be perfect. Why should you put up with my dysfunctional disposition when I would always hold back? I think you already know I might turn and run, once I fall deeply into you, because I don't ever expect you to be true to your word. My standards are pretty high when it comes to trusting my heart, mind, and body to you. Do you know what I'm giving up? Why should you listen to all my excuses about what you could bring into my life..won't be enough to keep a smile on my face, one day?

Love, I swear, if only I could believe in you....I know my whole life could be different. You got to admit, you play games, too. I mean, I looked for you, and it was hard, but you showed up. Several times. The first time, you accepted my excuse...I was too young. I was just out of high school, and trying to make something out of my life, to show my mother, who had died like weeks earlier, that I could be strong like she wanted me to. You took a back seat, but you always stayed with me.

When I thought I was grown enough to handle you, I presented my body to you. I gave my heart and soul to you. You gave it back. And I got mad at you, and told you I never would believe in you again. I took what you gave me..a son, and went about my way.

I know you tried to make up for how wrong that experience went, when you presented me with something that even I didn't know I wanted. You made a believer out of me, when you reached into my heart of hearts, and tried to fill a void that only you knew existed. You allowed me to meet the woman that was everything I wanted in a man. Even though we looked alike, were the same sex, and worked together, that didn't stop us from connecting in every way imaginable. At night, I lay on my bed, talking to you. Wondering why couldn't I have had it with him; and what are you trying to do...sending me everything I wanted...in a woman. Ohhh, we had many fights. You said yes. I said NO. She said Yes, and I kept saying NO. She wore me down, and my No became 'No way am I gonna miss this chance'. Love, you got to know that I always believed if you want love, you got to take a chance. (This would prove to be my Achilles Heel later on)

Love...You showed out! I did so many things I never thought I would do. I had so many firsts. I faced all kinds of opposition, taking on you. In her, I found a utopia. A coming out. A growth, spiritually, emotionally, and sexually. Which is why I always say, "feed the mind, the body, and the spirit" She fed all three. We grew up together. In that growth, I think things got a little too good to be true. It seems some people can become so happy that they look for something wrong. We went from my trying to be a poster child for gay rights, to her trying to just be normal, and be acceptable in her world. It became too hectic to keep up the reason for being happier than anyone we knew. Honestly Love...you showed off! lol Everyone was mad at us. We went under the radars for so long, that it seemed like everyone around us waged an all out war against us. Especially the happily married 'straight couples', the single men, single women, and her kids. You ain't supposed to be 'that' happy. Alas, you know what happened...yeah. But Love, I ain't mad at ya. It hurt like Hell....but it brought me to a place that I said I belonged. On the outside of love.

Obedient to my insecurities, and my failures, I learned to live without you. But, yes, I did see you standing there. I would often come out to play with you, but I knew, soon you'd have to leave me. I learned to accept that we were only playmates. I guess that was my downfall.

You see Love, you became to me a bliss that I courted, and was too afraid to obtain. You became a diversion from loneliness' pain. I would long for you when you were gone, but inside...deep where no one knows it but me...I miss you. Damn, I miss you. I learned to take whatever playtime you had to spend with me. I treasured each moment...I mean I had alot of them, too. Once a few years ago, I know you felt my pain, love, and you brought me so close to asking you to stay. but, you see...I have been through this. You come, it's good at first, we connect, we start out all cool, but Love...you flip the script too much for me to try to let you back in my life again. Every time I think I am close, or I don't want you to leave...I have to 'make myself' let you go.

Love, you see..I have learned to love you from afar. I know you're all that and a bag of chips, but...I can't have but one. One moment...when you mean everything to me. One moment when I would trade my heart, no..my life, if it would make you happy. One moment where I have eyes only for you. One moment when you are worth your weight in gold, and no one could tell me different. Nevertheless, I learned that these moments, while they are love, they are meant to experience in little doses. Yeah, I want the whole experience, but no longer do I trust it to last.

I respect you. I believe in you...but me and you....we always had a hard time getting along. And that's all good, too, because as much as I have tried to get away from you, you still move me...lol

You alright with me.  One of these days, I'm gonna do right by you....and you're gonna do right by me