Sp Exercise....Rebirth/Reincarnation/Karma/Deja Vu/Birth/Death

 

 

REBIRTH

 

Awakened...by noises outside.  Looking around like everything is so unfamiliar, yet I'm in my own apartment.  Voices.  In the other room.  The smell of smoke in the air.  My clothes wrinkled.  Dried sleep in my eyes.  Licking my lips; they cracked, and dry.  My stomach is growling.  When was the last time I ate?  My first thought--just one more hit.  I need it.  Who can I get money from?  Just one more, and I'm through.  I swear.  Lord, if you help me get out of this, I will serve you forever.  A tear escapes my left eye...trailing down my nose, and I wipe it with the back of my hand.  Ummmm....what was I gonna do.  Oh, I gotta pee.  Licking my lips, again.  Running my tongue over them.  I'm so hungry. 

I sit up....look out the window, squinting my eyes. I know I can do better.  I just lost my job, and gave up.  I had it going on, too.  Paying my own bills.  My kids were doing good in school.  Had a lil money in my pocket.  Didn't have much, but it was mine.  Ole boy felt like he could do better than me, after I took his ass in, right out of jail.  He didn't have a pot to piss in.  I took care of him, bought his clothes, and chose him over my kids too many times.  He didn't even appreciate it.  He beat me because he was locked up for 12 years.  I was the one trying to help him, and he stole from me, he got a car, and I didn't see his ass, until he needed sex, or more money.  Always said he was 'with the boys'.  That's messed up.  I couldn't work for him coming to my job, arguing, wanting money I didn't have.  The people at work began to complain, and they gave me a warning.  I told him.  Did he care?  He still came by, and called me all day, so they let me go.  My family wouldn't help, because they told me not to take him right out of jail.  They said, let him make his own way first.  But, nawww, I had to learn the hard way.  That's okay. 

So here I am, no job, no kids, and no man.  And, next month if I don't come up with the rent, I'm out on the street.  It don't take but one thing to break your spirit.  And, I had three.  That's okay, I'm gonna make it.  The Lord won't let me down.  I'm really hungry....  Stretching.  I get up, yawn, and stumble to the bathroom.  In the kids room, is these people.  My friend Regina.  She down on her luck, too.  Needed a place to crash, til the first.  She promised me half on the rent.  She laid up with Buck. Makes me think of my man.  Damn, I miss him sexxing me.  Might need to call him.  What you think?  Yawning out loud.  Whew, I can smell my own breath..smell like funky smoke.  Thinking, I gotta clean up this place.  get my life back in order.  Woooo, I gotta pee bad.  Get into the bathroom, sit down on the stool, and peeing.  I can smell my own self.  I know I gotta bathe. 

Lord, Help me.  This don't make no sense.  Reach for the toilet paper and the roll is empty.  Again.  They must eat it.  Damn.  I take my pants off, and toss them into the pile of clothes in the corner.  I need a hit.  Just one more, Lord.  I promise.  That's it. 

I'm sitting there, and tears begin to run freely down my face.  I drop my head in my hands, crying to the top of my voice....
"Come unto me, all ye that are burdened, and heavy laden; and I will give you rest"
I looked up.  No one was there.  Who's there?  Who said that? My stomach is in knots.  I'm afraid...I can't speak.
"If my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves, seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, I will heal their land..."
Lord! Is that you?  A silence, but a warm feeling came over me.  This can't be real.  Why would you come to me?
"You called upon my name, in your distress..and I am here.  I always been here....  I love you."
How can you still love me?  I'm an addict.  I steal, I lost my kids my job, I was sleeping with a married man, who left me when I gave him everything.  I'm broken.  How did I get here so fast?  One day, I'm functioning, and the next, I'm here.  This drug has consumed me.  This is all that's left of me. 
"All have sinned, and come short of my glory.."
But, Lord, I have been in rehab a hundred times, I been in mental wards just to get clean, so I could manipulate my family out of more money to get high.  I stole from my sisters, and even slept with my half brother for money for a fix.  This crack has broke my body down. I used to be two something, and now, I'm a buck twenty five, if that.  Look at me.  I might have HIV, Hepatitis, or Cancer, who knows.  I'm afraid to to get checked.  I've lost the respect of my family, they don't trust me.  I don't trust me. 
"Cast all your cares on me, for I care for you..."
You mean you want me?  I'm unclean.  My body hurts.  I'm so ashamed to be around real people. I hang out with other addicts.  We protect each other, like it's something to be proud of.  I sleep with anyone who will give me money.  I have taken $4 just for sexual favors. 
"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock...."
In that instant, I felt a surge of heat flowing through my body.  I was pouring out my heart to Him.  And, I felt Him receive my soul.  He forgave me for all my sins, He replaced fear with faith.  Despair with hope.  And, for the first time in years, I felt loved, wanted, just for me.  I cried, uncontrollably.  I could feel His arms around me, cleansing me, comforting me, healing all those places which hurt so bad.  I took a deep breath.  And another.  I wiped tears from my eyes, and the room was aglow.  Not just light by the daytime, but I felt I was in the presence of Him.  My life was again my own.
I prayed, "Father, I love you.  I have always loved you.  I forgive myself, and I accept your love for me back into my life.  I am your child.  I will not look back to those things behind me.  They have no more rule over me.  Today, I am reborn!  Thank you!  Let me walk with you, holding your hand.  I am so weak, and I don't know where to start, so, here I am, Lord....what will you have me to do?
I got up, looked in the mirror, and I saw a new person, beyond my circumstances.  I saw hope...in HIM.  For the first time in my life...