A Writing Exercise...Addicted

 

I'm addicted to living,
breathing fresh air
waltzing through
fascinating mazes of futurism
traditionalism
seeking public approval
and nonconformism
My love for logic
and intuition
makes my brain
my most important organ
I will always choose intimacy
over love
I am drawn to seek liberation
Music
is my freedom,
my equality
Sisterhood
is my hope
If I can liberate
the conservative mind
I am within my goal
to achieve balance
a union
between the sexes
I rely heavily on my mind
I live in my mind
trusting it...
more than my body
more than
what I see or feel
I see flashes of insight,
intuition,
visions,
telepathy,
dreams of future
I am the 52nd state,
the 11th planet
the third child of my mothers'
I am a writer
I write emotion
realness
I create charm
intrigue
want
experience
I need to trust me
trust my life
trust who holds my life
Like a true addict
Waiting
for the next hit
I'm in it
for the rest of my life

I just can't quit

 

jak(10/31/06)

To share a moment with you...A Secluded Paradise Exercise

.

..to share a moment in time with you

I have been here
while you have danced
with the best of em
glanced at the rest of them
Damned if I wanted to know
every time you opened
or closed
another revolving door
Relaxed
and chilling
Still got that
same old loving feeling
Noone does it like you
Your purpose
in my life
we both knew
Not some
half-assed attempt
to get up and leave
after all the good times
were through
You weakened my resolve
broke my
concentration
in two
Nights when I should be
sleeping in my bed
you deliberately kept me up
thinking about you
Every word you spoke
consumed me
dancing in my head
And regardless of fickle attempts
by circumstances
situations
to move me
away from your space
I remained silent
and true
waiting patiently
to share a moment with you
I tossed and turned every night
wanting to see your face
wanting to be
juxtaposed
in your sweet embrace
Fingers touching
the lines of your face
I traced them
in angry haste
Ingenuity
of modern technology
Hot words
scorched across
a cold computer screen
only allowed me
to see
that I woulda been happier
if you had been with me

JUST TO SLEEP

With mornings' first light, I jump out of bed, going to the bathroom. I'm still high from the night before.  I shouldn't have drank all that wine. But I had the best time, and I accomplished what I set out to do. She is in my bed this morning, not hers. I had been asking her for weeks to spend the night with me,   and we agreed--well, she mostly stated that we should take it slow. Get to know one another. It was kinda unfair, because I knew so much about her. Things she liked. Music that made her sooo comfortable. The Blues ..Yes. We went to this Jazz Club, had a lovely conversation. She loves to talk, and I love to listen.

We talked about how the blue made her feel; how she could get lost in the music, even if the words didn't do it. It kinda quieted the part of her that was constantly anxious. It really helped when she found out that I, too, loved the Blues. Bobby Blue Bland, Billie Holiday, Coco Brown, and my all time favorite song, At Last. Etta James finest, as far as I'm concerned. I could see her personality in some of the more vamp artists. I could tell, because between sets, when they played the songs, she was moving to the beat, like she wanted to cut a step. And I remember talking to her before work, and the blues would be playing, almost like it was her breakfast. Anyway, we talked, and talked..and talked. The thing that I remember her telling me was,"I give my love toooo freely and I am usually the one who gets hurt, but I have to FEEL , so I don't ever hide the way I'm feeling", and I knew then, it would be cold hearted to attempt to take advantage of her. She is already loving, why not allow her time to come to me, if she really was feeling anything for me.  I think her eyes lit up the most when we talked about her writing. Oh my God...she loves writing!  We sat out in front of her house, talking about how she views poetry, and some of her favorite works.

"Its the passion that lingers between the parted lips of a kiss. It is the warm embrace that makes your heart race. It is the sweet reminder that I am the seeker, and you are the finder in that moment between parted lips. It is then you can capture the true heat of RAPTURE " I will never forget those words, and how her eyes twinkled when she said those words to me. And the smile afterwards. It was more than a good feeling, it was warmth flowing from her to me. She actually was sharing herself. We enjoyed a few silent moments, before I finally broke the silence with, 'I have this great bottle of wine at my place; would you like to go over for a while, and share a glass with me. I will take you home whenever you're ready to go. I promise. No funny stuff'... And, honestly, at that moment, I really didn't want to sacrifice that beautiful evening with assuming we were going to do something both of us weren't ready for. Lucky for me, she said "Sure, I trust you, JA" WOW. Chills run through my body. started the car, and old school was playing on the radio. How cool can that be? LOL. I'm smiling to myself, as I drive to my house. We get there, and I know she wondering what is going to happen, once she gets inside; wondering is this monster gonna come out, or if I'm gonna try to change her mind. But, I believe that anything you want, or that's meant to happen, WILL HAPPEN. So, I'm cool. I open the door, and she steps in before me. I always keep things immaculate, because I never know when someone might drop by, and of course, because I know she is a neat freak. If she saw one thing out of place, she might think I'm a slacker. And, I know you only get one chance to impress someone. And mine is tonight. I sit down on the sofa for a moment to ask her if she's comfy, and what does she think. She simply says, "It's cozy. I like it." I hand her the remote, and ask if she wants to watch TV, reminding her that I know she loves CSI, Forensics FIles, and anything like Court TV. She says no. What am doing wrong,
I think. Music. You wanna listen to music? Ok. So, I turn on some easy listening old school, since that's what I listen to all the time. And exit to the kitchen to get some glasses, and that nice bottle of chilled wine. Actually, I always keep two. One for me, and one for that occasion. HA! Smart me. I come back with the glasses in tow, the wine, and she has taken her shoes off, and laid back on the sofa, listening to the music. I can see her head, and her feet moving, so I know she isn't sleep. We drink the first glass, after toasting to a long friendship. And, it's smooth sailing from then on. Time passed, and we had finished the whole bottle, talking, and laughing, and mostly, me watching her enjoy herself. I could tell she was getting high, because she asked me to dance with her. Of course I said yes! We played around mostly, while she showed me her famous two-step. LOL. I mostly giggled, and watched her dance. Then, we shared a slow dance. WOW. Very slow, very sensual. She was soo warm, and smelled soooo good. We held each other for moments. And I would be lying my ass off, if I said I didn't want to make love to her at that very moment. But, I allowed the feeling to soothe me, relax me. I wanted to mellow out, and make her so comfortable with me, that if she wanted to give me anything, she would. And, I certainly was gonna take it. So. I kinda did something even I would have been proud of, even if it wasn't in my character. I whispered in her ear, 'Now, you have trusted me this far, and I haven't broken my character. It's up to you...if you don't want to go home, you can spend the night with me. We can just sleep. I promise. I'm tired anyway, and it would be an honor to hold you in my arms tonight. What you think about that?' Silence. It seemed like the music faded behind the mood, and waiting for what was coming out of her mouth next. I could feel her breathing softly. At least she wasn't pulling away. "Ok, but I want the right side of the bed. And I'm taking you at your word. No funny stuff." "What am I
gonna sleep in?" I'm thinking, NOTHING. LOL. But, I don't dare let it slip from my lips. 'I have alot of over sized nightshirts; take your pick.' I took her hands from around my waist, stepped back a bit from her....and kissed her. Never saying a word.

And I showed her to the bathroom, so she could shower first, while I got a shirt for her, and placed it on the bathroom doorknob. While she showered, I washed the glasses, and checked the doors, and turned the radio on low. I know she don't like noise when she sleeps, but I love waking up hearing music. She same out, and got in bed, and I went into the bathroom. A thousand thoughts flashed through my mind while I was in there. Would I go back in the room, and she be naked, waiting for me, would she be gone, or ..... I didn't wanna think anymore. So, I went in, and she was sleep. LMAO.

Now one might think that this would have led to a wonderful night of sex. But, it didn't. I know you see I said I had her in my bed. But we only slept, and held each other.
Yes, just to sleep. That's all I wanted tonight.

SUNDAYS WITH JOYCE

WORD FOR TODAY

Wisdom
1. God gave Joseph unusual wisdom    Acts 7:10    And delivered him out of all his afflictions, and gave him favor and wisdom in the sight of Pharaoh king of Egypt; and he made him governor over Egypt and all his house.
2. Keep on growing in knowledge    Philippians 1:9    And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgement:
3. Pray for wisdom    Psalms 25:4; 27:10    Show me thy ways, O Lord; teach me thy paths   When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.
4. Wise with spiritual wisdom    Colossians 1:9    For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding.
5. Lord will give you understanding    2 Timothy 2:7    COnsider that I say; and the Lord give thee understanding in all things.

 

 

GOD MOVES IN ...

God moves in a mysterious way,
His wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill,
He treasures up his bright designs,
And works his sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust him for his grace;
Behind a frowning providence,
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a better taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan his work in vain;
God is his own interpreter,
And he will make it plain.

William Cowper

 

'...God has a way about making our lives reflect His eternal plan.  Even when we think we are in charge, He lets us know who is really running the show.    His wisdom is unfolding in our lives every day.  Take time to thank Him for bringing you through dangers unseen, and problems solved, in His time....'..

Lady Luck....

Lady luck
or villian
will of
fortune
or fluke
destination unknown
chances blown
*kismet casualty
*scarred doom
fortune gambled
lucky break
table stakes
misfortune looms
*fate assumed
*fallen doom
you lose
possible recoup
never again
be duped
invisible villain
luck out
Lady Luck
got you
drinking
Karma's cup

 

 

jakuper(10/27/06)

My Red Bicycle

....the park was more crowded than usual today.  It was the first weekend in November.  Leaves were in full bloom.  Piles of fallen summer were everywhere.  Kids playing all around me.  Dogs barking.  Sirens blaring streets over.  Teens could be seen, playing flag football in the barren field, to my left.  Even though I came out here, every day to be alone, I never was.  Some kid would always come over, to say something to me.  I wish I had their energy.  I used to.  I remember when I used to run, and play.  Without a care.  Mad, when I had to come inside, as the street lights came on, all too soon. 

'Excuse me, Ma'am. Could you throw my frisbee back to me?' this little girl asked me.  She couldn't have been no more than eight, or nine years old.   She just looked at me, afraid to come any closer.  I guess I did look scary to her.  I always dressed in several layers of clothes.  It made me feel safe, guarded from the world.  I picked the frisbee up, and tossed it back to the little girl.  Something in me, in that instant, felt like a kid again.  "I wish I had a bicycle," I said to myself.  I wished I could ride a bike.  I never learned to, when I was growing up.  My mother never could afford it.  I got used to my dreams.  The ones that never came true.  The story of my life.  But, I am so grateful for being here.  He must have His own reasons for keeping me here.

I would come to that same place, almost every day.  Just to catch a glimpse of my childhood gone.  This day, my life would change, forever.  Sitting there, kinda not feeling so well.  Not even sure what's wrong, but I don't think I will be out here long.  Going back home early. 
'Hello.  My name is Arianna.  What's yours?' She looked at me, with bright eyes, like she was waiting for an answer.  I smiled.  "Aranna, you say.  My name is Anne; pleased to meet you."  'Ar-ri-an-naaa. That's how you say it.  That's my name. Can you say that?'  "Chile, Yo name is what I call you.  At my age, you lucky if I can talk at all.  Now, gone back out there, and play with the rest of the kids.  Gone, now, and leave this old lady be."  I watched, as she ran back to play with the rest of the kids.  They played on up til it started getting dark, and one by one, they started scurrying home.  Never saw her leave.  I walked home, in the near darkness.  Police cars passing me by, slowing down....looking.  Stopped by the store to get some milk for my cereal in the morning.  Then headed home.

Next day, Almost the same time as yesterday, You could find me, headed towards the same park, the same bench.  Five thirty.  The same kids.  Same games.  Nothing much changed around here.  I liked it, because too much change scares me.   I like predictable.  Everyday, I expect not to be shaken out of my sublime existence.  The only thing I have ever wanted, that I haven't gotten, is a bicycle.  Just don't make sense to buy one at my age.  Guess I will leave that for these kiddies.  Like Aranna.  By the way, where is she?  She makes it a point to come by to speak to me each day.  I think she is tickled by the way I say her name.  Oh, I know how to say it.  I just like being different.  I wonder where she lives, and what kind of parents she has.  She looks decent enough.  Good manners.  Pretty smile.  Reminds me of my sister.  I miss her so much. 

I'd return to the park each day for weeks.  Just to be closer to the memories of my family that has gone on.  To feel alive.  My steps have gotten a little slower.  Friends don't come around to check on me.  The good Lord keep my health and strength--I'm gonna make it.  I raise my hands to Heaven, and smile.  Cause my help cometh from the Lord. 

It's been two, or three days, since I saw Aranna.  I'm starting to worry.  Hoping everything is alright with her.  I pray it is.  At the end of the day, I walked back home, like I normally do. Taking my time.  Something felt different.  I couldn't put my finger on it.  I walked home singing a song, with joy in my heart. 

I got to my steps, and sat down, like I normally do.  To rest.  Then, I went inside.  Sitting in the middle of the floor...was a brand new bicycle.  Not the fancy kind, but, like a mountain bike.  With a basket on the front, a horn, and a note.  I walked over to it, snatched the note off the handle bars.  I sat down at the table, and opened it. 

"FROM ARANNA, WITH LOVE"    

Tears welled up in my eyes.  I never told anyone that I wanted a bike.  No one.  We never even spoke more than a hello to each other.  I never saw her again.   How did she know......

Confessions Of Convicted Killer

 

**A Mashito Exercise.  Sensitive Subject Matter**

 

kill em all!  kill em all! kill em all!.....

I screamed, as I slammed my fist on the table.  Icy stares from frightened reporters only fueled my rage.  I smiled.  Rolled my neck around in a circular motion.  Licked my lips, slowly, and began to speak...

WTF you looking at?  I'm gonna tell you this...one time.  And, one time only.  So, listen closely!   After this, if you feel the need to fry me, then go ahead.  My soul is too cold to even fucking care. 

I died inside the day they took my sister away.  Moms worked like a fucking dog.  Sorry ass father was no where around.  Bastard never showed up.  One sorry ass nigga after another...wanting me to call him dad.  He fucking my moms, and while she at work, he fucking my little sister. Dared us to tell.  We helpless.  If we told, the state would take us away.  Separate us.  I had to hold my little sister at night, after they went to bed.  Listened,  while he fucked her.    She moaning, and groaning.  "Fuck me Daddy"  I still hear her.  And, it drove me wild.  Becuz while he fucking my moms, I'm holding Tasha, wiping her tears.  Taking my shirt, wiping the blood from her torn clothes.  Afraid to touch her.  Afraid to let her sleep alone.  Every fucking night, almost...he took her.  She wasn't even developed.  Her body shook, in my arms.  She would fall asleep in my arms, finally, after crying for hours.  Her little body jumping in her sleep.  I couldn't sleep. (holding my head, grimacing...) I was only fifteen.  But, I promised her, I would take care of it. 

In school, I stayed close to her.  If someone touched her, I would beat them up.  I learned to street fight, so I could protect her.  I was flunking out of school.  My moms was too blind to see what the fukka was doing.  Blinded by that love shyt, that dick.  I can still hear Tasha saying, 'He hurt me, he hurt me.  Please make him stop.  Why won't mommy help me?  I'm so tired...' 

I would dream of her words, haunting me.  To ease my own pain, I started drinking.  I stole liquor from my mom's stash.  I would steal from my friends house.  My habit became worse.  At a friend's house one night, and they left me there alone, while they went to the store.  I knew where the stash was.  I went to get it.  There was a loaded gun right there.  I took it.  I thought about my sister.  I decided, I was gonna make it right for her.  He wouldn't touch her again.  I put the gun in my pocket, and headed home.  Running.

I only reached the end of the street.  I stopped.  Something in me panicked.  I started running towards the house.  What was wrong.  Something was wrong.  I just knew it.  I opened the door.  My moms was at work.  As usual.  An eerie silence.  I could hear my own heart beating, as fast as my feet were running.  I went to my room, opened the door. Tasha.  She was sitting there.  Bloodied.  Hair full of blood.  Snot running down her face.  A thousand tears on her moistened face, and clothes.  She was shaking.  I lost it. 

I took my gun out of my pocket, and ran to my mothers room.  I knew he had done it this time.  He went to far...  I pushed the door open.  "what the hell have you done to my sister?  Tell me, mutha fukka!  Tell me now, so I can send you to Hell!"  He looked at me, and smiled.  He laughed, actually.  I can still hear that laugh.  "I gave the little bitch what she was gonna get anyway.  She was hot, anyway. Mammy never looked after her properly.  Left her with all these different men.  She know men is dogs, anyway.  I just got to her first.  She tasted like fresh eggs, right outta the hen house.  (sucking his teeth) Kinda tasty.  But you see, she needed to be broke in....before some no good bastard gets a hold to her.  Best if she get it from someone who knows her.  I helped raise her.  So, I'm entitled to some of that.  She took this dick, too.  I think she loved it.  what you think?  See, I thought tonight would be a good time to introduce her to a little back door action, you see.  (sucking his teeth)Only she was a little pouting, acting like it hurt.  Kinda split her up a little.  She'll heal.  They always do.   I think you need a little of this sweet dick, too.  What you say?'  I was frozen.  Looking at him in horror, as he talked.  Unable to speak. 

I reached in my pocket, to get the gun. He was gonna die.  He would never touch my Tasha again.  or me.  I would take her, and run away.  Moms never loved us.  If she did, she wouldn't leave us with this monster.  She never saw through him.  She never saw through any man who she left us with.  They always treated us mean.

I tried to pull the trigger, and he snatched the gun.  He took it, and smacked me with it.  I told him he would never get away with it.  He laughed in my face, and said he would.....because he would frame me.  And, he did.  I served seven years, in detention halls; received years of counseling, and was registered as a sex offender.  And, I never assaulted anyone.  I got out, and did odd jobs.  Changed my name.  My identity.  Moved around alot.  Everywhere I went, I came across the same shyt I was running from.  Mothers leaving their daughters with men they hardly knew.

NEVER LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN AT HOME WITH STRANGERS!  I slammed my fists on the interview table.  (the guard quickly grabbed me)Helpless little girls, (sniffing)at the mercy of dirty men.  Sexual predators.  Demons.  And, I vowed to kill EVERY ONE!  Each time I killed one, my little sister would clap for me.  Like she did before it all started.  She was happy.  We had good times.  Today, she in a mental institution.  Rotting away.  Don't know nobody.  No one can touch her.  But me.  It pains me to visit her.  When I get ready to leave, she fights me, to stay with her.  So he won't fuck her again.  I still hear her screams.  Still feel her holding me so tight.  (grabbing my head...with both hands)  Still smell the blood on her hands, as she held me tight...so many nights.  And, I see my moms...Didn't even have a clue.  Never knew that the man she was fucking, was fucking her own daughter.

kill em all  kill em all  kill em all.....

There you have it.  Why I kill.  Why I will not stop....until Tasha stops crying in my ear.  Until she is whole again.  Until I know no child will be molested by some no good mutha fukka.  Revenge for my Tasha.  (Sniffing, through tears...)    Revenge for her innocence.  Stolen,  Savagely ripped from her.  I had to let myself be convicted, so she could be taken from my moms.  Her bloodied body.  I can still see it.  When they took her away. 

My moms got strung out on crack.  thanks to some dealer.  Some do good er, who wanted to help her get Tasha back.  So you see...my life is over.  I have nothing else to live for. 

I will kill, until I am killed. 

If you a good daddy, be a good daddy.  To your kids, and anyone's kids.  Children don't ask to be here.  They don't ask for the pain we bastards inflict on them. 

"Fathers:  love your children..."

Getting High

inhaling

inhaling

coughing

choked up

all smoked up
what's up wit that cough
while you think you turning me on
you really turning me off
I don't even wish to see
your silent temptation
overcoming me

Indomitable
visions of you
proteoning in my head
in solicitous intent

another puff
deliberatly sent
you tryna get me high

inhale

inhale

exhale
breathe
vapours of lust
take me
overcoming me
closing my eyes to feel you
intoxication
you becoming
a part of me
mentally
mucking up my head
thrilling me

Take me
before I fall

Opening my eyes
but I don't see you
I see want
the thought of you
dancing
in me
before me
Chasing that high
sybarite

with desire
wanting wet lips
to close the distance

between

My tongue craving
something I never had
Smoked up
and high as hell
don't tell
inhale

inhale

exhale
you know what's up
right

Yeahhhh

smiling

giggles escape

tasting you
on my wanting lips
gesticulating my lips again
licking them
Mmmm
yeah.

you taste like cake

sweet

yeah

yeah

inhale

damnnnnnn

I can't wait

inhale

cough

exhale

Yeah

We can do this

u ready?

 

Just Jumping In

Thanks so much
for doing this lady a favor
nice to finally put a sexy voice
to the face
I've seen so many times
so many places
Was great to learn
we had so much in common

two free spirits willing
taking the plunge
Just jumping in
into lust
trust
temptation
admiration
cascading into arms
that catch each other
not afraid of losing my ground
falling
free falling
into something so exciting
even fear would shudder
How bad do I want this
you ask me
bad enough to take the plunge
knowing I'm afraid to fly
Jumping in after you
getting my place all wet
my face all wet
frowning
drowning
then clowning
when you say get up
even the laughter
just lifts me up
higher
higher
higher
 

 

jakuper(10/15/06)

a Mashito Challenge....I HATE THE BLUES

 

When will they go away
those old-timey funky blues
Tired of being reminded
that they came from Africa
and are still with us today
From dumb country blues
to standing at the crossroad
of Highway 69 and 41
late Saturday night
Legendary crooners like
Eric Clapton,
Chris Thomas King, R.L. Burnside,
and Bonnie Raitt.
still trying to get it right
Depression era..
yet depressing still
From country to city
Memphis and Mississippi too
Packed clubs,
street musicians
practicing their skill,
All-night card games,
ladies of the night,
fights from Ike and Tina
B.B. King
and his guitar
with a stupid name like Lucille
Little Milton
was anything but little
and Fats Domino
lied about his thrill
he had no one to take
to Blueberry Hill
Sweet home Chicago
The folk  revival
and the Union Jack Blues
Singing sad love songs
about loves
they always lose
Another
somebody
done somebody
wrong song
that's played
ova and ova all night long
Even when the Blues
rocked around the clock
Nobody got tired
til the dawn of morning
would  finally drop
The hard years
in the seventies
in Chicago
with the rise of different genres
Rock on the white side
funk and disco on the black
the blues
tried to make
another comeback
Folks selling it out of cars
Kareoke late at night
Choky,
smoky filled bars
still wouldn't even lit it die
Down south on the Chitlin' Circuit,
is where that fried,
greasy
and steamy blues
born in slaves
of Africa
to the joints of New Orleans
This is where I hope
the blues will shut up
crying
lying
and whining
and finally die

 

Sp Exercise...My PURPLE Muse

My mulberry muse
My violaceous vixen
wrapped in
violet

vivacious hues
My plum pie
filled with saucy,

ris'que fixings
layer

by layer
of carnally erogenous swank
In my lascivious eyes
I see in you
amethyst heat
empurpled dreams
a vulgar, wicked wine

to drink
Purplish meals
to eat
Grapes tasted
by dropping them

into your mouth
amorous aphrodisiac pleasures
seductuvely wasted
on the floor
of the silky violet robe
used for our bodies sheet
Covers
delicately peeled away
as our impassioned bodies meet
in that dirty,

nasty

blue
time of day
when flaming flesh
fulfills
filthy
favors
amid erotic explosions
of blue
crimsom red
and steamy

lilac lure
You fill me up 
with unrestrained arouse
dripping drops of magic mauve
rich romance
Copiously

culminating
in kinky lust
thrust
by tasty thrust
My favorite

being
that voluptuos show
underneath
that mischeivous

magenta top
Pomegranate pleasures
titillating treasures
which will always be

 

my most exciting spot

jakuper(10/24/06)

SUNDAYS WITH JOYCE

.WORD FOR TODAY

HOPE
1. Be ready to explain your hope to others    1 Peter 3:15    But sanctify the Lord the Lord God in your hearts:  and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear
2. Be strong and take courage    Psalms 31:24    Be of good courage and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord
3. Confident Assurance    Hebrews    11:1    Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen
4. God's plan involves hope    Jeremiah 29:11    For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end
5. Hope gives endurance    1 Thessalonians 1:3    Remember without ceasing your work of faith, and labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ, in the sight of God and our Father

 

 

When apparent stability disintegrates,
As it must--
God is change--
People tend to give in
to fear and depression.
To need and greed.
When no influence is strong enough
To unify people
They divide.
They struggle.
One against one.
Group against group.
For survival, position, power
They remember old hates and generate new ones.
They create chaos and nurture it.
They kill and kill and kill.
Until they are exhausted and destroyed.
Unitl they are conquered by outside forces.
Or until one of them becomes
a leader
Most will follow,
or a tyrant
most fear.

No matter what you go through in life, make sure that your hope is not in people, or material things, but it is in God.

And, "know that you know what you know..."

 

Missing You

 

Hi  how have u been
missing you
is that right
yes
and why is that
neva knew how much til you were gone
silence
cant explain
I need you
Need is a very very strong word
I own it
well, I don't have very long
where are you?
using her lap top
oh, ok
thanks for thinking about me
Hope you have been well
didn't you see where I left you a message?
yes!  I smiled
cuz I knew u were thinking about me
I see.  I'm sorry for being so impossible..
I know
I know I lost you.  It was my fault
I honestly don't know what to say any more
nothing to say. I lost you
I can feel it...maybe we can be friends
whatever you do, don't feel sorry for me. I know you
I don't know to say
I don't feel sorry for you or me
I just don't know how handle it
when we get in situations like we did last week
I don't either, and I shouldn't have ran.
I became rebellious to the one person
who has been on my side the whole time
"hand under my chin looking @ the screen"
"eyes staring at the screen. unable to muster any right about myself..."
 feeling you....
"hand under my chin looking @ the screen making circles
with my mouse thinking about so many things
"batting my eyes, wondering what kind of things you're thinking about...."
not a flirt..just curious
I don't know
ok  Let It Be, then
was it supposed to go this far...were we suppose to be here
was it supposed to be this intense...why are we so involved
good questions
why did we venture into something that we both knew would only bring pain
why didn't we stop while we were ahead; why does it have to hurt so much
how far is this suppose to go...what do we hope to gain from all this
I'm sorry
how could you feel some one you never touched
why did we spend so much time together; yet so far apart
how come you speak in my ear so so many nights
but never actually whispered in my ear
do you know when you begin to need a person thats dangerous
and frightening as well
yeah
I think you just think u need me.  thats all
ok...so what you telling me
giving me questions I cant answer no more than u can
I'm telling you that if I were to die today you would go on
thats how you know you really don't need another person
Okay, so I don't need you....I want you
maybe I'm just cold and insensitive
or I'm just real and willing to face reality as harsh as it may be
do you want me in the sense that you want me to physically be with you
is that it what are you asking me..?
you saying I don't need you, yet you question my feelings....confusing...
no, no, no
I need to know what u mean when you say I want you
I'm not disagreeing with you...I'm conceding
I know I cant have you
alot of times I hide my feelings from you
I feel I'll only be setting myself up in a sense
so I keep them at bay
cause i guess I'm looking out for my heart in a big way
it has not totally worked any way
its working...it tells you to keep your distance
no, I tell it to keep distance
but did it listen
my heart tells me to run..evereyday..shut down..
but I'm stubborn  hardheaded  it wants what it wants
Well Baby, the time has come  I have to go

ok
she is back but it was nice chatting
same here
ok...be safe

SP Exercise..Screams in My Dreams

 

kidnapped
taken hostage
snuckered
by images
of misty blue
the girl in my dreams
Wishing her red lip kisses
broke the silence reflected
when I say No
I know I'm being mean
and I make her mean
then she screams
WHEN SHE SCREAMS
she breaks the mirrors
meant to camoflauge
the difficulty of our journey
ordinary
abnormally free
once we go to sleep
ONCE WE GO TO SLEEP
I roam
she roams
we meet back home
where it's warm
and she can scream
when she screams
where you been
I can scream
I will tell you
next segment
once we go to sleep

 

 

 

NEVER LET ME GO...A Collab w/ ATASTEOFHONEY

...
I gave myself to her
My back arched
so high
so aroused
I met her intentions
filled with passion
yet
undefined
making me want to cry
A rhythm
all our own
in sync
one of a kind 
A beat pounding
throughout our bodies
within the nestles of my curves,
she had found a home
A place
where i was pardoned
set completely free
Endless moments of being
whatever she wanted me to be
uniquely
me
imperfectly...
perfect 
Nothing sugar coated. 
raw
and exposed
naked and vulnerable
pleased
highly satisfied
Does she really love me
I ask myself
Are her whispers
of I love you true
Caresses
in darkened spaces,
revealing truth
in honest faces
I search
trying to find something...
one damaging flaw
one slip of the tongue
but
by our first converstation
she already knew
Truth stimulates me
turns me on
That's all the arousal
it would take
for me
to totally submit 
hand over my being
I want her to swim in me
tickle me
hold me close
renew me
vibrate me
tease me
please me
loving me
like a newborn
so pure
so rich
creamy thick
sinfully decadent
Hold me closer
and closer

and never let me go

Sp Exercise....Rebirth/Reincarnation/Karma/Deja Vu/Birth/Death

 

 

REBIRTH

 

Awakened...by noises outside.  Looking around like everything is so unfamiliar, yet I'm in my own apartment.  Voices.  In the other room.  The smell of smoke in the air.  My clothes wrinkled.  Dried sleep in my eyes.  Licking my lips; they cracked, and dry.  My stomach is growling.  When was the last time I ate?  My first thought--just one more hit.  I need it.  Who can I get money from?  Just one more, and I'm through.  I swear.  Lord, if you help me get out of this, I will serve you forever.  A tear escapes my left eye...trailing down my nose, and I wipe it with the back of my hand.  Ummmm....what was I gonna do.  Oh, I gotta pee.  Licking my lips, again.  Running my tongue over them.  I'm so hungry. 

I sit up....look out the window, squinting my eyes. I know I can do better.  I just lost my job, and gave up.  I had it going on, too.  Paying my own bills.  My kids were doing good in school.  Had a lil money in my pocket.  Didn't have much, but it was mine.  Ole boy felt like he could do better than me, after I took his ass in, right out of jail.  He didn't have a pot to piss in.  I took care of him, bought his clothes, and chose him over my kids too many times.  He didn't even appreciate it.  He beat me because he was locked up for 12 years.  I was the one trying to help him, and he stole from me, he got a car, and I didn't see his ass, until he needed sex, or more money.  Always said he was 'with the boys'.  That's messed up.  I couldn't work for him coming to my job, arguing, wanting money I didn't have.  The people at work began to complain, and they gave me a warning.  I told him.  Did he care?  He still came by, and called me all day, so they let me go.  My family wouldn't help, because they told me not to take him right out of jail.  They said, let him make his own way first.  But, nawww, I had to learn the hard way.  That's okay. 

So here I am, no job, no kids, and no man.  And, next month if I don't come up with the rent, I'm out on the street.  It don't take but one thing to break your spirit.  And, I had three.  That's okay, I'm gonna make it.  The Lord won't let me down.  I'm really hungry....  Stretching.  I get up, yawn, and stumble to the bathroom.  In the kids room, is these people.  My friend Regina.  She down on her luck, too.  Needed a place to crash, til the first.  She promised me half on the rent.  She laid up with Buck. Makes me think of my man.  Damn, I miss him sexxing me.  Might need to call him.  What you think?  Yawning out loud.  Whew, I can smell my own breath..smell like funky smoke.  Thinking, I gotta clean up this place.  get my life back in order.  Woooo, I gotta pee bad.  Get into the bathroom, sit down on the stool, and peeing.  I can smell my own self.  I know I gotta bathe. 

Lord, Help me.  This don't make no sense.  Reach for the toilet paper and the roll is empty.  Again.  They must eat it.  Damn.  I take my pants off, and toss them into the pile of clothes in the corner.  I need a hit.  Just one more, Lord.  I promise.  That's it. 

I'm sitting there, and tears begin to run freely down my face.  I drop my head in my hands, crying to the top of my voice....
"Come unto me, all ye that are burdened, and heavy laden; and I will give you rest"
I looked up.  No one was there.  Who's there?  Who said that? My stomach is in knots.  I'm afraid...I can't speak.
"If my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves, seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, I will heal their land..."
Lord! Is that you?  A silence, but a warm feeling came over me.  This can't be real.  Why would you come to me?
"You called upon my name, in your distress..and I am here.  I always been here....  I love you."
How can you still love me?  I'm an addict.  I steal, I lost my kids my job, I was sleeping with a married man, who left me when I gave him everything.  I'm broken.  How did I get here so fast?  One day, I'm functioning, and the next, I'm here.  This drug has consumed me.  This is all that's left of me. 
"All have sinned, and come short of my glory.."
But, Lord, I have been in rehab a hundred times, I been in mental wards just to get clean, so I could manipulate my family out of more money to get high.  I stole from my sisters, and even slept with my half brother for money for a fix.  This crack has broke my body down. I used to be two something, and now, I'm a buck twenty five, if that.  Look at me.  I might have HIV, Hepatitis, or Cancer, who knows.  I'm afraid to to get checked.  I've lost the respect of my family, they don't trust me.  I don't trust me. 
"Cast all your cares on me, for I care for you..."
You mean you want me?  I'm unclean.  My body hurts.  I'm so ashamed to be around real people. I hang out with other addicts.  We protect each other, like it's something to be proud of.  I sleep with anyone who will give me money.  I have taken $4 just for sexual favors. 
"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock...."
In that instant, I felt a surge of heat flowing through my body.  I was pouring out my heart to Him.  And, I felt Him receive my soul.  He forgave me for all my sins, He replaced fear with faith.  Despair with hope.  And, for the first time in years, I felt loved, wanted, just for me.  I cried, uncontrollably.  I could feel His arms around me, cleansing me, comforting me, healing all those places which hurt so bad.  I took a deep breath.  And another.  I wiped tears from my eyes, and the room was aglow.  Not just light by the daytime, but I felt I was in the presence of Him.  My life was again my own.
I prayed, "Father, I love you.  I have always loved you.  I forgive myself, and I accept your love for me back into my life.  I am your child.  I will not look back to those things behind me.  They have no more rule over me.  Today, I am reborn!  Thank you!  Let me walk with you, holding your hand.  I am so weak, and I don't know where to start, so, here I am, Lord....what will you have me to do?
I got up, looked in the mirror, and I saw a new person, beyond my circumstances.  I saw hope...in HIM.  For the first time in my life...
 
 
 

A SP Exercise...10 Words

I saw your picture

we spoke
Words poured in
filling my soul again
as my body opening up,
having been closed
since the day you walked away
Internal windows
once again ajar
Glad to know you're well
I've been wondering how you are
Sleepless
tossing
whispers crossing
trekking through my mind
Vibrant memories
some of them unkind
My caged disappointment
demanding
to be released
hoping to find a little peace
I opened my mouth
and not a single word escaped
My heart sat
silently
submerged in pain
while my spirit murmured
It's good to see you again
Had my loins
been filled with courage
in my usual ritualistic approach
When you said that you missed me
I would have said to thee
I think I missed you the most
Ribbons in the sky
floated above me
in vibrant oranges,
and yellows
and blue
I gladly pulled you back
into my arms, welcoming you
I would love for you to stay
But, it would only cause alarm
Always something to be said
for my cocoon of of fear and dread
which makes me feel
a quiet hesitation
Wondering still....
can our love close the distance
and can time spent apart
strengthen my heart
make your feelings for me
seem more real

 

jakuper(10/16/06)

SUNDAYS WITH JOYCE

 

 

 

 

WORD FOR TODAY

Night
1. Jesus prayed to God all night    Luke 6:12    And it came to pass in those days, that he went into a mountain to pray, and continued all night in prayer with God   
2. Jesus walked on water during night hours    Matthew 14:25    And, in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea
3.Meditating on God during night    Psalms 63:6    When I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in th night watches
4. No night  in Heaven    Revelation 22:5    And there shall be no light there; and they need no candle, neither light of the sun:  for the Lord God giveth them light:  and they shall reign for ever and ever.   
5. Ponder God's promises during night    Psalms 119:148   Mine eyes prevent the night watches, that I might meditate in thy word.

 

PRAYER AT NIGHT

Lord, for the one who dies alone
This night without companion,
I cannot rest, I cannot sleep.
O shepherd of the piteous sheep
Run with Thy crook, and lift in haste
The poor head to Thy loving breast.

Oh slake his deadly thirst from streams
Of Paradise, and give him dreams
Of the mild weather, the green sward.
Bind up his bitter wounds, O Lord,
And give him comfort. Let him know
His Shepherd 'tis that loves him so.

Thou countest Thy flock: not one is lost
But Thou goest seeking, for Thou knowest
The poor things creep away to die
Where none shall find save Thou art nigh.
Thou tag's them to Thy arms, Thy knees,
And Thy sick lambs have sweetest ease.

Now I shall close my eyes in sleep,
Nor fret since they are Thine to keep,
Oh, happy sheep, to have such care,
The poorest, Love's own prisoner,
Who comforts as his mother might,
Rocking him into sleep at night.

 

from Herb o' Grace: Electronic Edition, Katharine Tynan

Sp Weekend Challenge...AUTUMN IS MY SONG

 

Autumn is my Song
A distinctive sound in the wind...
that courtship with Summer that always ends
the golden oldie chanting a beautiful song
chorus filled with hot numbers
a sweet shanty
song and dance
A jealous jive
Verse after verse soothing to the ear
The note that shreiks...
Winter is almost here
Spring's very vocal number
won raves in it's day
Thunder crashed
and lightning flashed
across the sky
As summer's lullabies jived
line by line
falling in right on time
Pieces of poems could be found
in the bright evenings tide
and resting on the scorching sands
Tunes warbled softly
in ears of waiting hearts
skatebords flipping beats
As foilage thrived
providing plenty of food to eat
All a pretext to Autumns plate
we prepare to eat
Excuse me if I don't miss Summer
I had my fun
I just couldn't take the heat
Her verses sounded like curses
I strained to hear
I personally was glad
that Autumn was near
Prosaicism....
Sure it is
Soon it will be Christmas, too
when we all sing ballads of blessings
canticles of cheer
Chorus after chorus of children's dittys...
Happy Holidays,
Santa Claus is here

Unofficial Collab W/Tasty "MS V"

 

 

My
undying
respect
and loyalty
to you
originates
in my augmented desire
to be
under
your spell
It is also fueled by
this one lingering truth-
the one that reminds me
that my love for you
is irrefutably
in my heart to stay
Out of all the moments
that we have shared
together,
what matters most
to me now
is the undeniable
longing
intensity
that we find
in each other's eyes
The devotion
'I'm so willing to dispatch'
that I set before your feet
fueled by
sweet adulation
which I build all my hopes upon
I wait for you
to dispatch
my direct commands
to unmercifully berate me
Desiring to be
lifted
and gifted
by your sensuous touch
I long
to be your martyr
for every crime of need
sex,
love
and passion
you ever thought
to commit
I happily do the time
serving
as radical
revolutionary
slave to your every whim
each
and every one of them
the willing recipient
of whatever vindictive
erotic
massacre
you wish to commit
I want
all of it!

I surrender to your will

 

 

She took my virginity

in paint,

Ya’ll

Miss Jakuper,

Painted me with colors

that suited my mounting passion.

Pink

was for the sudden shock

when i was touched for the first time by her words

pink turned to red

for passion that she left in my mouth daily

and red turned to yellow

for acceptance that she give me.

yellow

melded into beige

for the after glow after seeing her standing naked before me  

and soon i was a work of art

flushed with a plethora of colors

permanent

on my skin.

I stain my bed creamy white

as i sigh happily

thinking on the past events

her paint drips down

and will forever cover everyone i meet

but never washes off.

Yes

I made love

to an artist 

FEEL MY LOVE

 

Why do you feel the need to ask..."Do you love me"

When the way that I treat you...should be plain enough to see

My actions speaks louder...than any words I could say

I just think you're not used to...being love this way

Love should be seen always...and sometimes heard...I believe

Like all the things I do to you...that leads you to that scream

You don't have to ask if I love you...or even wonder how much

Be assured my love...you'll feel it in my touch

Feel the softness of my hand...caress your pretty face

Feel the way I look at you...it warms up the place

My fingers stroking your beautiful hair...as I gaze into your eyes

My tender arms slowly...wrapping around your sides

Laying you down gently...upon your strong back

Kissing you softly...on the side of your neck

My lips greet yours...as they've longed to all day

Just lay there and let me love you...in all the right ways

I may not say a word...but you'll definitely know I'm here

Feel the breeze of my breath...whispering in your ear

"You don't have to ask if I love you...or even wonder how much

Be assured my love...you'll feel it in my touch"

 

~PARIS~

Sp Exercise..SHADOWS OF TRANSGRESSION

 

 

So much
for that diabolical scheme
The one I devised
to make you go away
When I find my own feelings
are what's holding me back
I said I'd walk away
and save myself some tears
But your name
is always haunting me
taunting me
chanting,
whispering

ranting
facetiously

in my ears
all throughout the day....
'Why won't you let me stay?'
shadows cast
over your loving me 
Transgressions
that I cannot defend
When you're hurt
over and over
the naivety of the mind
cannot comprehend
the need
to cherish moments spent
Total negation
all that good loving
blissful days
steamy,
passionate nights
Because love is not promised
to last forever
if we don't take care of it
every day
There is no justice
in a broken heart
The scales

are unevenly tipped
Anxiety

over trivial things
makes

a weaker love
 
turn

and walk away

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

jakuper(10/13/06)
 

A SP Exercise...My Star

Twinkle, twinkle, little star...

'...Acamar, Hadar.
Altair, Pherkad,
Achernar, Hamal, Altais,
Pleione
Alya, Polaris, Acrab, Homam,
Ankaa, Pollux, Acrux. Izar
Antares, Porrima, Arcturus,
Procyon,
Arkab, Propus, Arneb,
Pulcherrima
Asellus, Rasalhague, Asellus,
Rasalgethi,
Asterope, Rastaban, Atair, Regulus
Atlas, Rigel, Atria, Rigil,
Kentaurus,
Bellatrix, Ruchbah, Benetnasch, Rukbat
Betelgeuse, Sadachbia,Canopus,
Sadalmelik,
Capella, Sadalsuud,
Caph, Sadr
Castor, Saiph, Cebalrai,

Scheat, Celaeno,
Seginus, Chara, Shaula,
Grafias,
Cor Caroli, Shedar, Cursa,
Sheliak,
Dabih,
Sheratan, Deneb, Sirius,
Deneb, Sirrah, Deneb, Spica,
Denebola,
Tarazed,Diphda,Taygeta,
Dschubba, Thuban, Dubhe,
Toliman, Electra,
Unukalhai, Elnath, Vega,
Eltanin, Vindemiatrix, Enif,
Wasat, Errai,
Wezen, Fomalhaut, Yed,
Posterior,
Gemma, Yed, Prior, Giedi,
Yildun, Girtab,
Zavijava, Gomeisa,
Zosma, Zubenelgenubi,
and Zubenetchamali...'

how I wonder
where you are
Of all these stars,
and more,
that shine up in the midnight sky.
Brightly lit,
named individually
None compare to the sparkle
I see in yours
They must have been mistaken
To call them out
by their proper name
and forget yours
How could one forgot
the one named YOU
You are known
 amongst the constellations
of a thousand worlds come and gone
Gazing at you..
awestruck, starstruck
In your eyes,
I think I've found my Queen
If I could place you on a throne
"Orion Nebula " is where we'd build our home
The tiny stars around
would worship you, alone
You'd spend all day shining just for me
From galaxy to galaxy,
our love would be widely known
The fires of my Libra's love
would warm your soul
The moon of Aquarius
would gently wash your feet
We would live like the Gemini
so much alike, they'd call us twins
Should the sting of Scorpio
bruise your heel
Cancer would be a cure,
instead of a curse
We will dance with Taurus by day
and listen to Leo's lyrics at night
Aries the Ram guiding us
in travels across the waters of Pisces
while we feed upon her prey
Virgo's dainty dance
before you in eveningtide
Capricorn curtsying .....
Goodnight, Ma'am
As Sagittarius
watches over your sleep
Where I am happy

just to let you be...

 

Questions....

What is your favorite word?

What is your least favorite word?

What turns you on?

What turns you off?

What is your favorite curse word?

What sound or noise do you love?

What sound or noise do you hate?

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

What profession would you not like to attempt?

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Dealing With INternet Stalkers....A Writing Exercise

 

Why do you persist in following me across the web? I have told you there is no way I would have a relationship online.  I don't care how much you see me comment on sites, or how much you send me these crazy ass messages.  I have reported you for abuse, several times, and it's only a matter of time before they catch up with you.  So, why don't you give it up.  I am happily involved.  Can't you get that through your head?..."  This was the last message I sent to her.  She stopped writing.  I didn't see her comments anymore.  Nothing.  I thought it was over with.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  Maybe her ISP had been disabled, and she was reprimanded, legally.  Either way, I got so tired of my friends asking me who was that asking about me, and asking them questions about me.  I could only tell them, my 'stalker'

She went out of her way to go to my friends page, add them, and open a dialogue with them, and slowly introduce her relationship with me.  Like she was my wife, or something.  Yeah, she gave them details, like where I lived, where I went to college, my jobs.  She even knew the car I drove, and my siblings names, and where they lived.  So, my friends thought it was on the up and up.  Thought I was just a player, because I hid her from them.  She gained their pity, and a thorn in my side.  Every page I went to, she would visit, coming back to tell me, that that woman I'm flirting with, is not available, and she would expose me as her woman if I didn't cease communications with her, immediately.  She was bossy about it, too.  Leaving messages on my side comments, like, "wasssup baby, talk to you when I get home", or, "remembering last night, and I still got chills".  I erased them as soon as I saw them, but who knows who else saw them...  She would write love poems on her page, and invite my established friends to her page, and 'tell them' she was writing for me.  And, she hoped I loved it.  SMH.  She told me she would have me, and no bytch online could give me the love I was looking for, better than her.  She always promised that she knew exactly what I needed.  She sent me a file , which was a clip of her masturbating, while she was talking to me.  Telling me what I had to look forward to. 

I won't say it didn't turn me on, though.  She talked that rough shyt like I like when I'm in the mix; telling me that once I got her--I wouldn't need anyone else.  I watched her play with her nipples, pinching them so hard, it looked like it hurt.  She used a vibrator, and a dildo when penetrating herself.  And she'd gradually increase the speed of the vibrator while screaming my name, louder, and louder.  She knew it fukked me up in the head.  When she came, she would lick the dicks off like someone was licking a cake mix bowl, after mixing a cake.  I could hear the slurping sounds too clear.  I was mesmerized as she massaged her body, kinda like a kitten does when it's washing itself...and I had to turn away.  She'd finish with, 'I love you baby, and one day, I'm gonna prove it'.  Freaked me the Hell out.

Almost one month to the last time I heard from her, I got up early, before work, to sign on.  I stumbled to the pc, with coffee in tow.  Sat down to log on...jakuper20032000, *&^%$$##@....I am connected.  I open my mail first.  300 new messages--WTH!  This must be an error.  How could I get that many messages, overnight?  I didn't even think about that crazy fukka at all..until I opened the first one...an invitation to a party....

WHAT: AN ENGAGEMENT PARTY
WHEN:  OCTOBER 12, 2006
WHERE: 1642 SKYLARK DRIVE
TIME:   7:30 PM

*bring only yourself, and an open mind.  I've invited all your friends from every site, even your family

I wish this crazy ass bitch would just leave me alone.  I opened up another message.  An invitation.  Another...and another. I opened 10 messages, and they were all invitations.  I snapped. This has gone too far.  She has already made my friends think I'm the worst liar, now she involving my family, and telling them we are getting engaged.  When Hell freezes over.  I copy one message, and report it as abuse, and tell them that I have 299 more in my in box.  Then I am so mad, I just sign off.  This will end tonight.  I refuse to live my life in the shadows of someone who has no life, but to latch on, like a hermit, destroying another's life.  I been warned about internet stalkers, but I never thought it would happen to me.  

The phone rings as I'm getting in the shower, and I let the answering machine get it.  After drying off, I check the message.  It's my sister. "Hi girl.  I didn't know things were that serious with TJ.  So you really gonna do it this time, huh.  Look forward to seeing you tonight.  Me, and Rita gonna get you for not letting us in on the secret before now.  I thought sisters are supposed to share everything.  Check Ya, Girl.  Can we bring our own drink"  GRRRRRRR.  This will never happen!   I dress, and at 9am when the pawn shop opens, I will be there.  I never shot anyone in my life, but if I I'm gonna have any peace, I have to do what I gotta do. 

"Good Morning, Ma'am, what can I help you with today.  We have some nice DVD players that just came in.  Nice price, too."  I'm looking for a small, powerful gun.  I have been having break-in's in my apartment complex, and I need to be protected.  I live alone.  What do you have, that's clean , and reasonable?  "This here is the Luger.  A beauty for a fine female like yourself.  It is a locked breech, magazine fed, semi-automatic pistol that when fired, stops your victim in their tracks.  Let me sell it to you today.  Only $150.  A steal, just for you."  I'll take it, and I'm gonna need some ammo; I'm hoping I won't have to use it, but, if it comes between me, and my life....BAM.  You outta here.  I finish my purchase, filling out papers, and leave. 

I run a few more errands, have lunch by myself, thinking about tonight.  I can't even eat.  I pay my check, and leave.  I drive around for a while, thinking, praying, hoping I don't have to kill this bytch; hoping it's all a silly game.  But, I refuse to knuckle down to a psycho.  I turn down Vine Street and just happen to look in my mirror, and who is this following me...  I take another left on Southern, and they're still there.  I try to speed up, making two more rights, and in my rear view mirror, they right there.  Looks like a dude with a cap on.  I won't take any chances.  At the next light, I load my gun, just like the guy showed me.  And, place it under my seat.   I keep driving, and checking my mirror.  Now, I know I'm not crazy. 

I wink at him.  They wink back.  I lower my head, like I'm flirting, by nodding yes, it's okay to flirt with me.  Still following me.  I mean, about 15 blocks, no cops in sight.  I'm getting worried now.  I don't see anyone I know.  My stomach starts to churn.  I know this is a situation I got here.  I just feel like this fool has found out where I live, and is following me.  That would explain how they know what I got in my house, where I shop, the perfume I wear.  Even where I pay my cell phone bill at.   Okay, so what am I gonna do?  I'm not gonna run anymore.  Tired of going around and around, afraid to go back to my own house.  Why wasn't I afraid before now?  Why wasn't I more aware of what was going on around me?  I will be more careful with giving out personal information online, to anyone from now on.  Even though I think I trust these people, there could be some freak on my page, like this one, waiting to make me risk all I have for some sick ideas he has.  No more personal information on my pages, I promise. 

 My heart is beating faster.  I know something is about to happen. 
I pull over to an empty General Dollar parking lot.  They must open at 10, since no one is here.  I wait.  The car pulls in behind me, a few spaces back.  I'm looking at them in my rear view mirror, smiling.  They get out.  I can tell by the walk, that it's a woman.  She has stonewashed jeans on, a Braves baseball cap , and a white tee.  With my name on it.. WHAT THE FUKK?  It's her.  She walks towards my car, smiling.  I get my gun ready.  She seems like she walking in slow motion, with that smirk on her face.  I'm so frightened, I can feel my knees shaking.  She leans over in the car, and whispers in my ear,"Let's go home, Baby.  I'm gonna fuck you, like you never been fucked.  You will be mine tonight.  What she say that for?  I lost all reasoning. 

I didn't say a word.  It was like everything happened in slow motion.  She was laughing at me.  You know how they make a laugh in slow motion in a movie.  I could hear her eerie laughter so loud in my ear.  I could see myself, reaching for my gun, pointing it at her face.  And firing.  Unloading the gun.  All I could hear were shots firing, in my head. I placed the gun down beside me, and covered my ears.  Her bloody body was laying on the ground.  I saw people gathering around me, with frightened looks on their faces..afraid to speak.  In the distance, I could hear sirens. 

I fainted.......

Tuesday's SP Exercise...Thank You, My Muse

My muse. My Spirit

When you read this I know you won't know how you influenced me.
Taking me through places where the storms of life really taught me
about living, and giving.   I want to thank you for helping me face life issues
that come up each day.  You help me to get to the core of feelings, feelings,
problems, relationships, and how to handle them.
Thank you for protecting me when I didn't know that danger loomed.
Thank you for the deep understanding you provide constantly,
and how I can lay in your arms and cry, while I decide what to do 
Thank you for being my secret place that I retreat to when all hell
has broken loose.  You tell me, simply, "just be still....this battle is not yours"
You've helped me to understand that some people may not like me,
or accept my words, or my presence, making their own conclusions
as to who I am.  But, You know me.  And, You keep their judgements
from touching, or damaging my spirit. Even the pain of learning the truth
about certain people, those who don't know You, and those
who use the Word as a means to achieve their own success.  Praying
in your name, and not believing You to be who You say You are.  SMH
Thank You, my spirit,  for not always telling me," I told you so",
even when You did tell me so.  I spend so much time in solitude,  but
I'm not lonely because You are with me, Thank You for cheering me on
in this skin that I'm in., Thank you for reminding me, that if it
had not been for You on my side....I don't know where I would be!...
When I do good, I can say, it was through Your understanding.  Even when
I am left searching, doing things my way, You are not so far from me
that I feel like I'm lost.  When I get so far out there, I feel a gentle nudging,
which is always You--waving me back.  Mind you, You were all there
all the time; it was just me who steered off the path.

I'm supposed to deliver this to You today.  But, I don't have to....
I can feel Your hands stretched out to me as I type this. 

Yes, it's me again....

A Dual Writing Exercise...Room 1205, OOPS!

OH MY GOD....What the fukk are you doing here?  While my body is wanting to finish it, I immediately get up out the bed, and start raising hell!  How could this have happened?  How long have you been planning this?  You know I told you this couldn't happen again.  It's over.  I'm in love with Lucy, you know that.  When I caught you in our bed together with the one person I despise, you knew what the handwriting on the wall was saying to you.  Get the fukk off me!

Your ass was caught red-handed, and you think I'm supposed to forgive that?  Wanting to fukk the bytch that has an axe to grind with me...you out of your fukkin mind.  I asked your ass did you have any skeletons in your closet, because I have been through too much shyt in my life to be looking over my shoulders at some dizzy, still wet behind the ears, three sheets in the wind alcoholic bytch who thinks she can  have anyone she wants because she got a nice shape, and a little money that her parents left her.  So what if she got money, does she have class, respect for those of us who have to work, and struggle?  How the fukk you think I feel, fucking behind her?

She doesn't say anything.  Only gets up, and sits on the side of the bed, while I'm up in the middle of the floor, naked, cussing my ass off.   I forgot that I'm naked, and I know she just sitting there staring at my tit's bouncing up and down.  She used to always tell me, it turned her on when I was mad.  I know she watching my hard nipples jiggle.  I find my blouse and put it on.  'How in the fuck could you know I was gonna meet you here.  This was supposed to be my Baby's Valentine gift.  Now you ruined it.  OOOhhhhh, I know what you did.  You nasty, you know that...you went in my desk, and looked in my planner.  You knew the perfume she wears, and you bought it.  You planned this, deliberately.  That's so wrong.  I was easy prey.  You  were on cloud nine, thinking you were gonna fuck me again..especially after I told you I'd never touch you again.  You promised me that it didn't matter that I was a little overweight. 

You said you liked big girls.  And, I believed you.  I went with  you to your friends house a few times, until I overheard two of them talking one day.  Yeah, bytch--your friends gave you away. They were saying, there she goes again, "thunder thighs, blubber butt, big girl...", and they were laughing hysterically.  I read between the lines, you know.  I'm not so stupid that I didn't know they were talking about me.  Especially since one said, "I don't know.  I'd like to hit that from behind.  Knock some sparks from it one time..Bam Bam Bam.   Especially since she such a good housekeeper."  And, I knew then that you were beating around the bush with me, because I was the only one who would clean your apartment, cook for you, wash and press your clothes, and make sure you had money in your pocket. 

I understood where you came from, having to take care of your siblings because your father was absent, and your mother was strung out on drugs.  I know what it is to scrape for everything you have, and I didn't have a silver spoon in my mouth.  I worked for everything I got.  I'm a big girl because I eat at odd times, I worked at odd times.  I functioned on a few hours of sleep each night, and whenever I could rest, during the day.  And, I ate on the run.  But I was raised right, and I coulda made your ass a great wife, but nawwww, you always treated me like a distant lover, around your family, and around your friends.  Then you had the nerve to beat around the bush about me moving out.  Hell, I left.  Fuck that.  Now where your apartment at, who was really taking care of it?

Now, I'm with Lucy, and your ass wanna come crawling back.  I even helped you when you was was down on your luck, making you my personal assistant, giving you a hand, when those trifling bastard of friends distanced themselves from you.  Now you all up in my face again.  Why?  I'm the same big bytch you were so ashamed of, the one you would talk to late at night.  Calling me over for sex, and making sure I was gone by morning.  What's up...shyt got ragged, huh?  And where that skinny bytch at now?

I would advise you..to forget this ever happened.  Do not say a word to me.  I don't wanna hear it.  And, hope Lucy don't find out, or that's your ass!  You hear me?  That is to be the last taste of this sweet pussy you will ever, I mean, EVER taste.  So savor it.  I'm so mad at you right now, I could kill you. 

I watched, as she picked up her clothes, and walked into the bathroom, tears streaming down her face.....  I sat on the bed, fearing Lucy would never believe this shyt. 

A knock on the door.  It opens.  It's Lucy.  She has a bouquet of roses in her hands.  "Happy Valentines Day, baby."  She kisses me. 

 "You supposed to be in bed, blindfolded, and naked.  What's up.....  Why is the shower running....."
   

Understanding Diversity

I was just looking through blogs, cuz I getz bored sometimes, and I came across this very interesting post, that caught my eye, and I wanted to share it, as it contains an issue that is close to my heart....

"....I was gon rhyme and shit on this one. Then i said I aint rhymin...I want my contacts to see how good my pen is. I dont need to rhyme all tha time. i can say what i got to say without it. Today..I'm talkin bout gay brods. But before yall get mad and shit...my momma a dike. I love my momma. I'll give my left nut for her. When I was a kid...i used to see her kissing women and shit. When I got older...I said to myself..Daddy didnt have no good dick. But..i knew i had to be wrong. Hell. I got good dick. I read some bad ass poems that some  brods wrote. I said damn.. That bad ass brod gay! I had three girlfriends that was gay. All i really wanna know is can good dick and a good man bring a woman back round to a nicca? A lot of niccas be beating they brods. If i was a brod..I'd turn to anotha brod too for some lovin. Shit..these niccas dont know how to treat these brods. Beatin they ass and shit. I tell you right now..i cant compete wit no hard ass dildo. I can grind a long time..but a dildo stay hard all tha damn time. But..I don't really think a brod can move her hips like a nicca when it come to grindin. We was born wit dick.. Its natural for a nicca. Women have to practice that shit. A nicca can stand up in tha pussy too. I dont know if a woman can do dat. Sometimes i wonder if a gay brod had a nicca stand up in dat pussy..would she turn back to niccas. hell..i dont know. i know this much. its some bad ass brods on here..they gay..but dem brods can write like hell.

Blaccman was here...talkin bout gay brods and good dick...yea boy!!!...."

 

 

MY RESPONSE:

I saw this title, and my eyes kept coming back to the title. didn't know what to expect. But, It's a honest flow from a brother who really just wants to know...LOL

I'd be lying if I said some don't go back to a good dick, or some go back for many reasons...Hell, some are just playing around cuz the sex is good, some being a rebel, or trying something different. But, to some of us it is a life choice. For the good and the bad that can come out of it. Being ostracized by guys, by your family, by even your own upbringing. It is hard to say, because it's an individual choice.
I had good dick, and it turned me on. Turns me off now, because it's attached to ignorance, and a homophobic mind, that once loved me so much he would do anything for me.......except understand my wishes.

If you a good brother, be the best man you can be, to all women, and learn to respect diversity. If they come back, they come back, but, if they dont, they still a woman!